Melly's Musings | Where Did My Confidence Go?
This one's a biggie. Grab a cuppa and settle down...
I've been thinking lately about my confidence or recent lack of, should I say. There's a fair bit of change going on in my world, mostly work-related and I've started to ask myself 'what happened to my unshakeable self-confidence?'
When I was younger, I had the most resilient confidence you've ever seen. I was humble but quietly, I knew I'd got this covered. Of course I had to try really hard at some things, but the one thing that kept me going was believing that I could.
Take the school talent show, for instance. In year 6, we did our very own version of Pop Idol. I had decided I was going solo and that I was going to win. Other people were in two acts but I just didn't feel the need. I knew that even if I didn't win, I'd much prefer doing it by myself. Sometimes, we cling to other people because it's easy to hide your flaws in a group. Was I a little arrogant? Maybe but it came from a childlike innocence and belief that I could do and be absolutely anything.
Tell a child that they can't do something and they're likely to show you that you're wrong. So, where does that defiance go, as we grow up? We spend our time telling little ones 'nobody likes a show off' and stock phrases of a similar ilk. Which in a way, is correct but when we see a little glimmer of something great, a seed of a dream, we should nurture it. Get to them before the world and all its wariness does. Encourage them before they fail at something. We're all destined for failure at some point. Being someone's cheerleader means that when those moments do occur, getting their confidence back is less of a task.
Recently, I've been looking at a list of my big goals, ideas and dreams for next year and then asking myself 'what's stopping me? Why haven't I made a start at least?' Much of the time, it's not finance, or fear of failure that's stopping me but confidence.
So I've had enough now. I'm overcoming whatever this block is. I remember once, when I was 13 or 14, I was at a BBQ at a friend's house. I was far too shy to actually go and get anything from the grill. A very good friend of mine turned to me and gave me some of the best advice I've ever heard. 'Confidence isn't something you just learn, you kind of have to fake it until you make it. Appear confident and eventually, you will be confident.' Thank you, Esther. That's stuck with me ever since.
She's absolutely right. When you change your attitude, say to yourself 'I can do this' and changing your body language, it can change everything. People who are confident or appear confident at least, exude that. People pick up on it and react accordingly.
So, from personal experience, here are the things that I think kill off our confidence:
Comparison
The moment you begin to compare your life and your path with someone else's, you can wave your confidence goodbye. This is something that you can be especially affected by, in the digital world. One look at someone's beautifully polished social media profiles and popular blog could be enough to make me shut down my laptop and give up. Want to know why I don't? Because I love what I do. You have to remember the reason that you started whatever it is you're doing in the first place; whether that is your job, your family, a blog, a business - anything! If it was to become the very best, then that's great.
Often, an overnight success was a long time in the making, behind-the-scenes. Instant successes are much like fireworks. You don't need me to explain that. I've read numerous times online that we often compare our bloopers with somebody else's highlights reel.
Your favourite blogger? Worked tirelessly to build their readership and improve their photography. That mum in the playground with the perfect children and polished hair and makeup? She has to deal with tantrums, sleepless nights and baked beans up the wall like every other parent. That career girl who seems to have a cocktail in one hand and iPhone in the other? She had to work incredibly long, hard hours to get to where she is and even harder to stay there. (Or, maybe she got some favour. Either way, good old-fashioned hard work never failed anybody).
We look at results but often neglect to think of how those people got there. The best thing you can do is focus, stay in your lane and refuse to give up.
Procrastination
This is an odd one but think about it for a moment. You get a 'eureka' idea or you're faced with a challenge. I don't just mean 'shall I wear my ponytail a little higher today', I mean a big idea. One that makes you a little bit nervous.
Then, we can spend so much time putting it off, that we almost talk ourselves out of it. We come up with all sorts of excuses and find other things to do first. By the time we get round to it, we've wasted time and talked ourselves out of what we planned to do. Make a plan and crack on!
Fear
This is the big one. We can let fear clam us up and ruin all sorts of great plans. Fear of what other people think, fear of failure, fear of upsetting people sometimes, fear of stepping into the unknown; they're all reasons that we think it would be easier to retreat back to our comfort zones.
Who doesn't love their comfort zone from time to time? It's safe, it's familiar and it's also free (mostly) of fear. You know what else it's free from? New opportunities, achievements, fresh relationships, new territory and all manner of other great things - all the rewards that are on the other side of fear.
It takes confidence to step beyond fear. Often, what you are afraid doesn't even happen. Sometimes, it does. Of course, people will always have an opinion. So what? Many critics are afraid of not achieving their own dreams and wish they had the confidence that you possess.
And that is what's sad. There's a common misconception that confidence is made up of some magic formula, when the truth is, sometimes you just have to get over whatever may be holding you back, throw off the deterrents you've picked up along the way and just go for it. If you have to fake it until you make it, people probably won't even notice. Quiet confidence is powerful.
Pretty certain I'll be blogging about how I stay confident and plan to regain the confidence I'd lost. So, look out for that. Until then, thanks for stopping by.
I've been thinking lately about my confidence or recent lack of, should I say. There's a fair bit of change going on in my world, mostly work-related and I've started to ask myself 'what happened to my unshakeable self-confidence?'
When I was younger, I had the most resilient confidence you've ever seen. I was humble but quietly, I knew I'd got this covered. Of course I had to try really hard at some things, but the one thing that kept me going was believing that I could.
Take the school talent show, for instance. In year 6, we did our very own version of Pop Idol. I had decided I was going solo and that I was going to win. Other people were in two acts but I just didn't feel the need. I knew that even if I didn't win, I'd much prefer doing it by myself. Sometimes, we cling to other people because it's easy to hide your flaws in a group. Was I a little arrogant? Maybe but it came from a childlike innocence and belief that I could do and be absolutely anything.
Tell a child that they can't do something and they're likely to show you that you're wrong. So, where does that defiance go, as we grow up? We spend our time telling little ones 'nobody likes a show off' and stock phrases of a similar ilk. Which in a way, is correct but when we see a little glimmer of something great, a seed of a dream, we should nurture it. Get to them before the world and all its wariness does. Encourage them before they fail at something. We're all destined for failure at some point. Being someone's cheerleader means that when those moments do occur, getting their confidence back is less of a task.
Recently, I've been looking at a list of my big goals, ideas and dreams for next year and then asking myself 'what's stopping me? Why haven't I made a start at least?' Much of the time, it's not finance, or fear of failure that's stopping me but confidence.
So I've had enough now. I'm overcoming whatever this block is. I remember once, when I was 13 or 14, I was at a BBQ at a friend's house. I was far too shy to actually go and get anything from the grill. A very good friend of mine turned to me and gave me some of the best advice I've ever heard. 'Confidence isn't something you just learn, you kind of have to fake it until you make it. Appear confident and eventually, you will be confident.' Thank you, Esther. That's stuck with me ever since.
She's absolutely right. When you change your attitude, say to yourself 'I can do this' and changing your body language, it can change everything. People who are confident or appear confident at least, exude that. People pick up on it and react accordingly.
So, from personal experience, here are the things that I think kill off our confidence:
Comparison
The moment you begin to compare your life and your path with someone else's, you can wave your confidence goodbye. This is something that you can be especially affected by, in the digital world. One look at someone's beautifully polished social media profiles and popular blog could be enough to make me shut down my laptop and give up. Want to know why I don't? Because I love what I do. You have to remember the reason that you started whatever it is you're doing in the first place; whether that is your job, your family, a blog, a business - anything! If it was to become the very best, then that's great.
Often, an overnight success was a long time in the making, behind-the-scenes. Instant successes are much like fireworks. You don't need me to explain that. I've read numerous times online that we often compare our bloopers with somebody else's highlights reel.
Your favourite blogger? Worked tirelessly to build their readership and improve their photography. That mum in the playground with the perfect children and polished hair and makeup? She has to deal with tantrums, sleepless nights and baked beans up the wall like every other parent. That career girl who seems to have a cocktail in one hand and iPhone in the other? She had to work incredibly long, hard hours to get to where she is and even harder to stay there. (Or, maybe she got some favour. Either way, good old-fashioned hard work never failed anybody).
We look at results but often neglect to think of how those people got there. The best thing you can do is focus, stay in your lane and refuse to give up.
Procrastination
This is an odd one but think about it for a moment. You get a 'eureka' idea or you're faced with a challenge. I don't just mean 'shall I wear my ponytail a little higher today', I mean a big idea. One that makes you a little bit nervous.
Then, we can spend so much time putting it off, that we almost talk ourselves out of it. We come up with all sorts of excuses and find other things to do first. By the time we get round to it, we've wasted time and talked ourselves out of what we planned to do. Make a plan and crack on!
 |
| Five years old. Carefree, comparison free and full of confidence |
Fear
This is the big one. We can let fear clam us up and ruin all sorts of great plans. Fear of what other people think, fear of failure, fear of upsetting people sometimes, fear of stepping into the unknown; they're all reasons that we think it would be easier to retreat back to our comfort zones.
Who doesn't love their comfort zone from time to time? It's safe, it's familiar and it's also free (mostly) of fear. You know what else it's free from? New opportunities, achievements, fresh relationships, new territory and all manner of other great things - all the rewards that are on the other side of fear.
It takes confidence to step beyond fear. Often, what you are afraid doesn't even happen. Sometimes, it does. Of course, people will always have an opinion. So what? Many critics are afraid of not achieving their own dreams and wish they had the confidence that you possess.
And that is what's sad. There's a common misconception that confidence is made up of some magic formula, when the truth is, sometimes you just have to get over whatever may be holding you back, throw off the deterrents you've picked up along the way and just go for it. If you have to fake it until you make it, people probably won't even notice. Quiet confidence is powerful.
Pretty certain I'll be blogging about how I stay confident and plan to regain the confidence I'd lost. So, look out for that. Until then, thanks for stopping by.
Love,
Melly
xxx
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